Not Feeling Myself

What are friends for? They are for supporting you when you don’t feel much like supporting yourself. They are for making you laugh when you don’t feel much like laughing. They are the family you picked for yourself. I love when my friends send me funny memes like the one below. So fitting right now, too.

For the last several months, I have struggled to get back on track. I have struggled to want to do social things with my friends. I have struggled to want to go to work. I have struggled to want to create, to write, and to paint. To quote Ouiser Boudreaux, “I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for the last forty years.” It wasn’t until last week that I realized how much of a bad mood I was in, but then I went to Disney and I was fine…..for four days. Well, mostly fine. I was okay. I’m middle-aged and my hormones are changing daily. Some days are okay and others, I feel like a stranger in my own body. Quite honestly, there is nothing that can prepare you for this roller coaster of a ride.

When I went in for my physical yesterday, Shannon (my doctor’s nurse) went through the happiness level drill. I scored a 14. As Dr. P said….that’s high. My quick wit immediately spoke up, “high like on a scale of 1 to 10? Or high like on a scale of 1 to 15?” All he said was, it appears I’m not very happy. We discussed what I’d been feeling. I told him I thought it was seasonal depression until I realized it was June. I know it probably started back in November, right around the time change. I had given up working out and given up my weight watchers. Things changed at work and I’m just out of sorts. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body–this is the second time I’ve mentioned this, so all I’m saying is that my mental state is not familiar to me right now.

I went back to WW two months ago. I have had one good month since November, but I just haven’t felt like doing any of it. As I told Dr. P. Food is my drug of choice. Specifically, carbs in any form. I haven’t felt like eating healthy, though every week I fill my fridge with summer fruits and vegetables. I’ll eat on them a little bit, but the rest ends up in the garbage. I want all the junk because somewhere in my mind, I think it will make me feel better. It does, but only while I’m eating it. My sugar will spike and I feel nauseous. My sugar level was very high yesterday. Not over 100, which is pre-diabetic, but it was in the 90s and you’ll see why from my weekend diet below.

So, after discussing all of these things with my doctor, we decided to try some zoloft. I’m familiar with zoloft. I took it back in my 20’s or 30’s (I think). Depression is definitely not a stranger and I welcomed this medication with enthusiasm. I have suffered on and off with mild depression and I am tired of being in a bad mood and feeling angry at everything. I start today, so let’s see how it helps me, shall we?

Anyone else out there struggling? Anyone else need some support? Don’t be shy. We all suffer sometimes, but we have to realize when we need to get help before it spirals out of control. And remember, it’s okay to need help.

Have a great day!